Only if it makes me smarter.

A few weeks ago, an article called “Because You Hugged Them” appeared on GreatSchools’ blog. Intrigued, I read on. I wanted to know how hugging would impact The Doobies. Actually, I wanted to know if I had to continue to touch them. It’s flu season, you know. And, I’m really into yoga right now. I don’t want to miss a single opportunity to strike a Warrior I–Virabhadra’s Pose fer all you bad-ass yogis out there.

Well, evidently, the more you nurture your kids, the bigger their hippocampus gets. That’s what some smart child psych and neuroscience peeps at Washington University’s School of Medicine say. And, who am I to doubt them? I majored in Advertising. By the way, what the hell does a hippocampus do? I can’t remember a thing from high school.

“…the hippocampus is integral to your child’s memory, learning, and stress response. According to the study, this portion of the brain is substantially larger–up to 10 percent larger, in fact–in nurtured kids.”

Clearly, I was not nurtured enough. If I was, I would have remembered all the functions of a hippocampus, right?

I thought it would be fun to share my findings with Madan. Of course, he didn’t believe initially. But, after reading the article, he converted. And, he decided our day needed a new routine.

“I’m going to need about 20 hugs a day, Mom.”

“20? Why 20?” I asked.

“So I will become smarter,” he replied.

Who could argue with that? Since it was already 5pm, we expressed it. I bear hugged him 20 times in a matter of minutes. I debated giving him some triple digit math problems, but decided against it. It was probably too soon to expect hippocampus expansion.

A friend emailed me. “Hugs make you smarter she said. Ask your son how I know!” My friend was Madan’s substitute teacher today. Evidently, he decided to teach the class a surefire way to boost brainpower–also known as my diabolical plan to squeeze more love outta my son. Evidently, the class thought their day needed a new routine now, too.

Enter “Huggy Zombie.”

One classmate became the Zombie Hugger–aka “Huggy.” Huggy’s job was to catch others and squeeze them–I’m not sure, but probably to death. I had visions of 23 kids racing around the room while one boy chased them with outstretched arms, attempting to wring the daylights out of them. I can only hope all of this occurred during recess and not on my friend’s watch.

I listened intently as Madan relayed the hugging abomination. I screamed like the woman in the Psycho shower scene. Madan nodded his head.

“I made a big mistake telling the class about that. Let’s not talk about it anymore,” Madan said.

I suppressed a laugh, bit my lip and squeezed my son. Then I gave him 19 more.